Memory Bank

For years my Mom, Margaret Graham, lived for others.  First as a nurse, then as a full-time Mother and homemaker.  She cooked, cleaned, ironed, planned vacations, helped my Dad design and build houses, always shopped carefully for birthdays and Christmas, looked after both her Mother (Leona Brown, who also suffered from Alzheimers) and Mother-in-Law as they aged, rescued hurt and abused dogs, and was always doing little things for others.  Over the years, she gave too much, and often felt unappreciated.  And I can say that there were many times when I didn't treasure what she did as much as I should have, and that there were often times when I even felt a little smothered.  Alzheimers has finally helped her learn to live for  herself.
The downside to Alzheimers is that after she was diagnosed in the late 1990s, the disease caused her to manifest her disappointment by "getting back" at all of those she had cared for.  She left many bitter little notes in drawers and around the house enumerating all that she'd done for everyone and lambasting each of her family members for all their faults.  My sister and I had to get quite vigilant at finding them as my father was the primary target, and they were very hurtful to him as he had become a wonderfully dedicated caregiver. 
Caregivers, if your loved one is currently experiencing the bitter and unhappy stage of Alzheimers, take heart.  My Mom moved through that phase relatively quickly and now sees her life through rose-coloured glasses.  She is completely convinced that she has enjoyed 50+ years of wedded bliss, which is making it easier for my Dad, who continues to be a staunchly patient caregiver. 
The upside to this terrible disease, it is that while Alzheimers has taken away her ability to do things for others, it has finally helped her to articulate what she wants and needs in life.  When I visited her in Kingston, Ontario a couple of months ago, she was completely focused on getting a new puppy that hadn't been abused.  A small thing, perhaps, but for as long as I can remember she has said "before I die, I'm going to have a puppy of my own", and that part of her memory is 100% intact.  During the 3 hour drive from Toronto airport to Kingston, she must have asked my father over 100 times "when are we getting the puppy" and he patiently answered over 100 times that the litter is expected to be born in late August.  I should mention that he doesn't particularly want to look after another dog again, but he is happy to do it for her if it makes her happy. 
So we're celebrating Mom's focus on knowing what she wants and her commitment to enjoying the little things in life instead of exhausting herself looking after others.   Instead of being irritated by her fixation, which would be so easy to do, we're choosing to see it in a different light.    I hope this will inspire others to find joy instead of irritation in the oft-repetitive nature of those afflicted with Alzheimers.  Because she's finally living for herself, and that's a good thing.